apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
