Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
