forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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