today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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