It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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