It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
