your parents love me but you hate me
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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