The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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