Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
