Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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