My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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