I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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