I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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