You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
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Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
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I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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