At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
