I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
