I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
