Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
