She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
