handjob tips. give me some.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
