I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
