you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I AM VODKA MAN
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
