hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
