True but thats because hes a fetus.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
