Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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