martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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