Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
