i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
