mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
