I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
