I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
