I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
