Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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