He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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