dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
