So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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