I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is