why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
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You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
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She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?