Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
