I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
