A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
