he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
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Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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