i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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