somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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