I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Jerry, you need to find god
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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