put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
