I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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