That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
im about as happy as oj after his trial
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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