she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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