3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
