Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
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I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
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He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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