Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
