she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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